To the Wonder

I wonder if I'm the only one wondering about the existence of God. In my personal life, there were two significant situations where I questioned whether or not God is real. When I was in High School, I used to believe in the theory of evolution and in the existence of terrestrial beings before someone shared the real Gospel to me when I was a college student and then I became a Christian (not overnight, though). It was when I was three or four months away from graduation that I felt a sense of pride for my intelligence and accomplishments but a sense of hopelessness and a lack pf purpose for my being all at the same time. 

Then, I wondered why I was feeling that way. And one question led to another where I started to ask about the existence of life and its author - was it just me or was it really God? If it was me then that explains the things and choices that I make but I cannot explain the deepest longings of my heart - that I feel like I was created with a purpose. If it was God then that explains why I do the things that I do but I cannot explain God fully - especially to those who doesn't have the same thoughts as I do. 

So I made it a personal desire to fully explain God and His plan of salvation for mankind through Jesus Christ but months past and I still am bewildered with the fact that God is someone whom I feel so close to but so mysterious that there are a lot to who He is that I cannot fathom. And so, I remained questioning but there came a moment where I realized that if God is a God whom I can explain then He is not God at all. It wasn't intellectual suicide because I still am seeking God and knowing Him until season but I'm also resting in the fact that my mind has its limitation to fully understand His deity. 

Then a few years later and I was on my way to being a campus missionary, I felt my heart hardened every time we have classes on systematic theology. Theology, from the word 'theos' and 'logos', just basically means, the study of God. In the midst of all the lectures I was skeptic about whether or not what our teachers would teach us. I started to wonder whether or not God was just something my mind created and I actually was fearful that I'm putting everything at risk for something I thought was true. It was a more than a month of battle in my mind which led me to pray that when I graduate from the school, I do not want to have the heart of one who doesn't believe in God because though my mind wonders if He really is true, part of me reminds me of the darkest moment in my life and how I've seen how God helped me to change it for the better by giving me the will to fight my adversaries and the temptations of my sins.

It wasn't a question whether I was called to full-time ministry or not - I totally believe that I am but my mind tells me that the very foundation of the ministry (and that is God, Himself) may just be a creation of the mind. Those weeks were weeks of frustrations but it was good that I had my spiritual family and one of my friends actually led me to realize that all I had to do was surrender.

It echoes what the Bible says about keeping our thoughts in obedience to Jesus Christ. There were two occurrences that followed next. The first was when I was on a jeepney and I saw this Darth Vader keychain and a question just popped into my mind - Is man's knowledge of good and evil produced as time passed by or was it innate? But though this was a question, it actually gave me a perspective of the sovereignty of God and the natural design of mankind.

The second one was while I was in class listening to our teacher where a thought just popped up that challenged my pride. I thought I was good enough and knowledgeable enough but I realized that my birth and mere existence did not change the laws of nature. There is nothing special about me that changed the whole course of human history and the placement of the celestial bodies. I am but a dot if you are to zoom out to the universe yet God was mindful of me to the point that He desired to reach out to me despite of my skepticism. It's funny how highly I think about myself. That mere thought humbled me down. Truly God humbles those who boast of their self-righteousness.

And this line from my favorite movie sums up what I have learned - Arrogance and fear still keep you from learning the simplest and most important lesson of all. It's not about you.

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